And then I started looking for consciousness.

Because figuring that out was supposed to liberate me.

I listened to people who knew or claimed to know. of mind.

Finally.

So I started the search.

I read books, a lot of them.

I listened to people who knew, or claimed to know.

I reflected on it, did self-enquiry, stared at myself in the mirror for hours, asking ‘Who am I?’

And every now and then I heard this most annoying, most frustrating, most unfair thing in the world: ‘Consciousness is all there is. And you are that.’

Really?

I must have been the exception, the anomaly.

Maybe it WAS all there is, all except me.

I kept looking for the Change.

The Gift.

The Shift.

The Divine Gold Medal.

I was holding on to the idea that I could somehow understand spirituality, that I could finally get it and hold it and use it, that if only I would search long and arduous and serious enough, it would be given to me.

It.

The awakening thing.

The Event.

The Holy Grail.

So I kept on going, reading, reflecting, listening, and enquiring.

Waiting for the moment.

Looking for consciousness all over the place.

Oh man.

All the suffering and the longing for relief.

The disappointment.

The exhaustion.

Begging for the solution, for salvation.

What a majestic joke!

Consciousness looking for itself, as itself.

Constantly trying to find the thing… that is trying to find the thing.

Hahaha.

Oh fuck.

‘Consciousness is all there is. And you are that.’

What a deeply annoying thing to read, or to hear.

How useless.

How harsh.

How stupid.

And how true 🙂

—

(Photo by @golfarisa, for Unsplash)