It’s funny.

And also not so funny.

As the hero of this Marnix story, I could tell you proudly about my integrity.

I stand 100% for how I look at life, and how I see coaching.

I have absolutely no interest in watering down what I write, what I teach, and how I work with people.

The idea of not committing to my deepest truths is simply unbearable.

So I don’t compromise.

I can’t.

I LITERALLY can’t.

And that automatically describes the other side of what’s going on.

The funny part.

The integrity is not a divine choice I made, some deliberate and well-contemplated step, or an honorable activity.

It’s simply how life created this particular story.

So it’s not really mine to own.

I didn’t do it.

What could be called ‘my integrity’ is not a real moral struggle that keeps me fighting every day: I just can’t do what I can’t do.

And I can’t do something that is more mainstream and generally easier on the eyes and ears of the public, so more people will appreciate it.

Well, in theory I could, but for real I just can’t.

Like I said: funny, and not so funny.

Sometimes this deep pull towards the personal path feels very fucking inconvenient and confusing.

Sometimes I wish it wouldn’t play out like this, and that I could just fake it.

I know SO MUCH about the self-help-o ’sphere, I am SO WELL connected to creativity, and I have SO MUCH experience as a writer, that I could easily own any kind of method or ideology.

I even could be vomiting up new self-help concepts on a daily basis.

At least, in theory.

But in reality, I can’t.

I’m forced to explore what I’m exploring, forced to keep writing in the direction my writing wants to go, and forced to coach from the only place I know to be fresh and real.

Lovingly forced, that is.

It’s funny.

Funny how this all unfolds, how I don’t get what I thought I wanted, and how the things I DO get after wanting them for a long time, don’t feel as expected (duh).

It seems to me that integrity is not a choice.

It’s a certainty you simply can’t dismiss.

Fucking funny.

—

(Photo by @fkaregan, for Unsplash)