It’s hard: to believe stuff and then see that belief disappear.

Hard, and weird, and also a bit painful.

One moment you’re certain about something, the next it doesn’t match up anymore.

The belief is gone.

Poof!

I’ve seen this happen in my life many, many times.

Things made total sense for a while (or even for a long time), and then lost their credibility, their obviousness, sometimes really quick, sometimes over time.

It’s not something I’m looking for, not a deliberate decision.

I kinda like the beliefs.

They make things easier, they set boundaries, and they can make stuff clear and uncluttered.

So once they’re gone, they leave an empty space for a while.

One of the things I deeply believed in that left me quite recently, was my profound acceptance of and faith in Near-Death Experiences.

For more than six months I watched hundreds of videos about it, read a number of books, and talked about it with people who’d had an NDE, or who studied people who had one.

I had one.

So it made sense.

And learning more about it felt comforting and exciting.

I even started looking into spirit guides, angels, and archangels for a while.

But that belief, that fascination is gone (and I never saw the angels).

It’s not that all of a sudden I think it’s bullshit or now I’m against it; it’s more like I’ve lost the natural, direct connection with it.

At first, it felt possible, then I was really sure about it for a while, and now it’s vanished again.

Another ‘Poof!’.

I don’t really know how to look at this or what to do with it.

These disappearing beliefs leave me wondering, they always ignite some confusion.

And it begs the question:

What happened to my inclination to acknowledge NDEs?

Or all the other things I felt excited about and effortlessly owned for a while?

How can I be so certain of something for years, and then lose my interest and the absolute trust that it’s true?

I’m glad, though, that these experiences haven’t made me blasé or cold and uninterested, but I also have no clue what my next belief will be.

I hope I’ll find a new one.

I like them.

They add an extra dimension to life, they open up new spaces to explore.

Of course, there’s always the possibility that no fresh belief will present itself, ever.

Maybe I’m out of options.

But I don’t really believe that.

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(Photo by @polarmermaid, for Unsplash)