If we are so powerful, how come we can’t even force ourselves to like something?

A couple of days ago this question came up when I was driving through London without the sense of REALLY enjoying it.

Ugh.

I know you know that one because we’ve talked about it before.

The situation where dread starts to drip in, instead of the expected feelings of gratitude and happiness.

‘Like this, for fuck’s sake! Like it now because you’ve fucking paid for it/endlessly looked forward to it, and NOW is the fucking time to enjoy it, so hurry, hurry the fuck up!’

And you’re sitting there, stunned, numbed out.

Hopelessly trying to find feelings of appreciation.

Trying hard to deliberately like something that doesn’t really care.

Time goes by, and now you’re seeing yourself back home again, on the old couch, looking at the rain outside while feeling deeply ashamed about your incapability to make sweet memories.

We all suffer from stuff like this.

Things we’ve never asked for, things that ambush us and jump us and mess us up and make things really hard, things we allow and adopt just the same and give us a sense of responsibility and ownership, like we have no choice.

But isn’t it weird and does it REALLY make sense, to be in a place you have been dreaming about for a long time, only to fuck it up the moment you get there?

Why would you do that?

Well, you don’t.

And learning about that will absolutely make a positive difference, in various ways.

You’ll feel better in general, which helps (in general).

You’ll be less fearful of your changing moods, which will prevent you from getting totally lost when they arise.

You’ll start to appreciate the fleeing nature of life, which in turn will make you connect with neutral, fresh awareness much easier, so you’ll feel safer and more grounded more of the time.

And more awareness opens up more interest in more awareness.

It seems to be a life project, though, something that needs attention and commitment and willingness and curiosity wherever you are and whatever is going on, so you can get used to all the newness when there’s more space to experience it and let it sink in.

If it doesn’t happen that way, if you only think about it when it’s ’too late’, you’ll probably be too overwhelmed to get the benefits.

But if you are lucky enough to be bitten by this cheeky little bug, life will start showing you many different instances to play with it, so you get used to it and get ‘better’ at it (even though all those experiences are provided for by the universe, but let’s not go there right now).

Life is not something you can do wrong, but it seems to offer a lot of different ways to either mess up or not.

I have no clue why some people pick this up and run with it just like that, while others keep struggling or simply don’t give a shit.

That’s why I can only describe what I’ve experienced and what has changed for me, how life looks to me and how I believe that works, without pretending those exact same things will work for you.

Sweet freedom is not found in any detailed plan or amount of steps, it’s an urge you’ll simply not be able to suppress.

It will find you, and it will guide you.

And it doesn’t get more powerful than that.

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(Photo by @chan_lee94, for Unsplash)