I don’t know how and where this idea started.

But it’s still there, in some version, some appearance.

The best way to describe it, I guess, is ‘the search for purity of mind’.

Wishing everybody the best, always.

Not being judgmental (at all).

Being patient, always.

Smiling at the world.

Always trying to understand that people can’t help believing their beliefs.

Always loving, and full of empathy.

And all the tightness and guilt around not doing all of that absolutely perfect.

It was way worse, once.

Way.

Trying so very hard to be holy and divine and flawless.

Having harsh conversations with myself about being lost in envy and opinions.

Feeling bad when my heart didn’t feel open and inviting.

Always looking to improve my habits, my behavior, and my social conduct.

Weird shit.

Weird, weird shit.

As if I have to earn the good things in life, and always have to work for it, work towards it.

As if something or someone is monitoring me, 24/7, constantly checking if I’m deserving of happiness and lightness, always taking something away and then bringing it back, for a while.

As if there’s some absolutely pure version of me that I have to change into.

The spiritual end goal of the saintly being.

Hahaha.

Bullshit.

Misunderstanding.

Habitual nonsense.

Stupid fear.

No, no, no, nowhere to go, nothing to become.

This is it, baby.

Holy fuck!

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(Photo by @marcospradobr, for Unsplash)