When the caterpillar turns into a butterfly, in the middle of that process it looks like crap.

Goo.

Cellular junk.

The caterpillar dies, and its old cells die with it, until a new cell starts a process of regeneration.

Death becomes life again.

And it’s messy.

I kinda feel like that.

It’s not that I am depressed, there’s no dark night of the soul going on, but my goo consists of rusty old ideas and limitations, an ancient story about who I am and what I deserve (or not), what I am capable of, and why it should stay that way, exactly like that.

It IS painful.

Not physically.

It is painful because it’s so incredibly sad to see the old me fighting for its old life.

The life that no longer makes sense on a deeper level.

The caterpillar life.

Right now, wherever I go in my mind, as soon as enthusiasm arises and my spine starts to tingle with sweet possibilities and joy, the old me tries to put an end to it.

It HAS to.

But it’s losing.

I’m entering the last stages of what life was about from a perspective of scarcity, anxiety, jealousy, cynicism, righteousness and limitation.

It hurts.

It hurts because I’m starting to see the innocence of my previous choices and the life it brought about, and I realize how much pain was created by trying to avoid it.

We are all scared little girls and little boys, dressed up as grown-ups.

We are living lives that are built on naïve conclusions and fearful assumptions, unconscious decisions that were made when we didn’t have a clue and were simply longing for safety and connection.

It’s painful and sad and there is SO MUCH of it, so much resistance, so much panic, so much deep, deep fear.

Being with it is liberating and humbling.

It is frustrating and exhausting.

If what you believed to be about you starts to realize what you desire to be, what you CAN be, it will use whatever it can use to convince you to go back.

Disappointment.

Boredom.

Righteousness.

Impatience.

Tiredness.

Anger.

And fear.

Just let it.

Try to see the innocence and sweetness in how it works, and acknowledge the power of awareness that lets you be with it, and let it go, instead of going with it like you did before.

Be still, be here, be grateful, despite the war inside.

Stay as the goo, for now.

It will create your wings.

—

(Photo by @jannerboy62, for Unsplash)