‘Are you still a seeker?’, she asked.

We’d been talking on the phone about her confusing, dark life, and now touched upon the process of looking for liberation.

‘In a way’, I told her.

Because I still read many books and I still watch many videos.

I literally can’t help it or stop it.

But it’s different now.

The seeking was way more desperate, like struggling for air in a tight container.

It felt like a matter of life and death.

A natural, undeniable obsession.

Some of that is still there.

It’s still somewhat obsessive, an inner drive the Marnix person can’t deny, but it comes closer to tying loose ends.

Many of them, that is.

I already know very well what it feels like to be lived, I’m familiar with the experience of Oneness, and I know, from years of waking up more and more, that the I is a perfect illusion, and there’s actually nothing to be done.

This makes complete sense, and it has changed everything, and it keeps changing more, and more, and more.

Just imagine living on firm ground, knowing that to be a fact in every fiber, even if everything seems to be shaking profoundly.

To feel connected to something that is actually really you, but feels like the subtlest, infinite power.

It’s all there, and sometimes it’s not.

Or it SEEMS it’s not, because everything is always everything.

And then seeking might happen.

The deep wish to drive it home even more.

That’s still going on, sometimes more than other times.

There’s still laughing hysterically in the morning, then crying in a corner in the afternoon.

Drama, messy stuff, but… without the hopelessness.

And SO much less personal.

It feels like being blessed, generally, deeply, while still forgetting that, many times.

Seeking is not the seeking it used to be.

Most of the time it’s much more playful, about satisfying curiosity and filling up my coaching story box.

It’s like building a juicy collection of metaphors and tales and examples I can use to explain the exact same thing in a thousand different ways.

And it’s, of course, a form of acknowledgment.

The human being in the story needs to be comforted.

The apparent mind has to be soothed, at least sometimes.

In the last couple of years, the seeking has become more celebratory than arising from despair.

The same movement, but nothing like it used to be.

‘I’d like that, I’d like that very much’, she said.

And I couldn’t agree more.

—

(Photo by @valentinbetanqr, for Unsplash)