I don’t know.
I think about stuff like this.
Maybe when you are satisfied and at peace with EVERYTHING there is, all the time, you have won the game of life.
I don’t know, and I for sure don’t know what that’s like.
But no matter how much there seems to be missing once in a while, for all the confusion I experience and for all the ups and the downs, this life is incredible.
In-cre-di-ble.
And probably because of all of that.
And all the moments that I ‘get’ it.
All the moments that I don’t.
The relief, and the frustration.
The relaxation, contraction, anger, and liberation.
Being the best coach in the world.
Or thinking that I have truly nothing to offer.
What would this all look like, this life in this colorful, vast world, if we understood everything, if there were no longer secrets and mysteries and surprises?
What if we truly were the captains of our lives: would we know what to do with that power?
Would we willingly steer into chaos and discomfort, because it feels so satisfying to get away from?
Some days I would like to know what happens next, but most of the time that seems like a really shitty and boring idea.
There WILL be pain, but it will also subside.
There will be moments of triumph and absolute self-aggrandization and powerful arrogance, and I will feel on top of the world, but it will not stay that way.
Or maybe it will.
I don’t know.
The more I feel at peace and the more I feel alive, the less I understand it.
That’s okay, most of the time.
But sometimes that feels like a huge and very sad loss, because sometimes I’d like to simply believe in something, in the person, a method, or an activity, and be a proud member of a club of believers.
I don’t control what interests me, the stuff I am fascinated about literally changes from day to day, and that keeps it incredibly fresh.
AND weird.
And random.
I’m more naturally mindful than ever before, which makes it less scary to be full of doubts and questions.
Am I rambling?
Am I all over the place?
Welcome to my world.
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(Photo by @mattartz, for Unsplash)