This morning I found myself living ten different lives in under one hour.

I went from full-on drama to delicious relief.

And then back again, smashed in the head by stormy worry, to be gracefully followed up by peace of mind.

Boom, boom, BOOM!

And then I realized something.

I never thought about this before.

At least not like this, exactly.

How we don’t appreciate life’s little moments enough.

And at the same time, take them way too seriously.

How we get lost in every little piece of misery and frustration and fear, millions and millions and millions of times, falling for the same stories again, getting lost in the moment, without realizing what is actually going on.

And how we, at the same time, don’t seem to acknowledge and appreciate the fluidity of life, the beauty, the creativity, the vastness, and how short it actually is.

Self-help and most ideas about spirituality dictate that we should relish and celebrate every second of our lives because they will never return.

We hardly ever do.

But in a way we ALWAYS do.

We feel fucked up today like we felt fucked up yesterday and the days and years before, even though we forgot about it in the meantime.

We get stuck in draining mental loops, feel deeply worried for a while, and then hardly notice that all of that suffering and resistance, all that shit that seems so incredibly important in the moment, simply drops away.

Always.

I guess being lost every second of the day in drama that unravels however it wants to unravel anyway, is not the same as being aware of every second.

Most of our life is lived unconsciously, deeply lost in the details of the story, instead of appreciating its amazing diversity and crazy realness.

It’s as if being absorbed by the content of our lives somehow overrides the feeling of BEING alive.

When I started my ‘spiritual journey’ (and of course, you can debate or totally dismiss the validity of that concept), to be freed from suffering and addiction and suicidal ideas, I tried every day to really live in the moment.

I tried to do the dishes while being completely aware and tremendously focused.

I worked my ass off to consciously breathe, talk, buy groceries, mourn, walk the stairs, pet my cats, eat, write, and take a shit.

I tried SO hard to be fully engaged in life, that I almost drowned in overthinking and got carried away all the time.

And it was all so disappointing.

I really wanted it to work.

I really wanted life to change.

But all I seemed to get was frustration and judgment and impatience.

So, maybe you recognize this.

Maybe this appears to be happening to you.

Maybe you are also working your ass off to live in the moment, to fully appreciate your human being, and finally reach that promised point of liberation.

Maybe you seem to be as lost and lonely as I thought I was.

I feel you.

It’s really, really okay.

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(Photo by @chandra123456789, for Unsplash)