{"id":48116,"date":"2022-11-15T20:54:36","date_gmt":"2022-11-15T20:54:36","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/?p=48116"},"modified":"2022-11-15T20:54:53","modified_gmt":"2022-11-15T20:54:53","slug":"finally-healing","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/2022\/11\/15\/finally-healing\/","title":{"rendered":"Finally healing."},"content":{"rendered":"\n

If you could see me now, you\u2019d see a huge wound with eyes and a beating heart.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A wound with a body around it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

54 years old and only just now recognizing the amount of pain and shame and crap and the tendency to self-harm and self-pity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There\u2019s so much of it!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the past, whenever I mentioned my childhood, every therapist I ever talked to told me I sounded so incredibly business-like, so detached, so matter-of-factly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I wore those remarks like badges of honor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Look, my parents were totally fucking crazy and all over the place and my early years were incredibly unsafe, but I am fine, SEE?!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I ridiculed what happened, and made fun of it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But it wasn\u2019t really funny.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It just wasn\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I used alcohol to push it to a deeper place.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I smoked pot to tiptoe around it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I lost myself in spirituality and hoped that would do the trick.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But no amount of joyful Namaste could wash it away, push it out through the backdoor like it never happened.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So here I am, a big wound.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s actually very good news I must say.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It means I feel safe enough to see what I didn\u2019t want to see, and, especially, feel what I didn\u2019t want to feel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The many masks are coming off.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The old sad and confusing stuff is coming up in safe, small, delicate packages.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I cry for 5 seconds, and it\u2019s gone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sometimes I know what it’s about, and what happened, sometimes I don’t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Doesn’t really matter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am full of rage, but only for tiny stretches of time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I smash something, or I just scream, and it\u2019s over.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Purging.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Releasing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Layers and layers of smart-ass pretense.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The armor I used to wear so proudly is melting away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have never felt so ready to be vulnerable, and it\u2019s liberating.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Of course it is!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The genie is out of the bottle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s an amazing process.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So intricate, so smart, and so logical.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If I look back at the past months, years even, I see how this has come about, how it has been building up, and how I’ve been allowed to dismiss and deny all of this for a very long time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Until I couldn\u2019t anymore.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The first pile of beliefs crumbled like an old factory, diligently demolished by explosives.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Clean, fast, tidy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was like something blew a big hole in the roof, and a light I didn\u2019t know existed, a beautiful soothing light, came through.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The rest followed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The cleaning of the house.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It still does.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Endless amounts of belief dominoes drop, and old systems, built to keep me safe, finally dissolve.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But I always already was.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Safe.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I just didn’t know.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The fa\u00e7ade is meticulously taken down.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

More sadness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

More anger.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

More insights.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

More authenticity and a deep urge to be real, more real, incredibly real.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s like a magical pile of cliches.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sweet pain, surrender, big breaths.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And so much consideration and respect for what happened (or how I experienced what happened), and how methods and tricks and systems and habits and traits and masks were quickly established.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I WAS a psychological mess, perfectly glossed over, beautifully disguised, and pretty highly functioning and reasonably successful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Haha.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You see these tears?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Liquid healing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

—<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Photo by @antegudelj, for Unsplash)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

If you could see me now, you\u2019d see a huge wound with eyes and a beating heart. A wound with a body around it. 54 years old and only just now recognizing the amount of pain and shame and crap and the tendency to self-harm and self-pity. There\u2019s so much of it! In the past, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":48117,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"off","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":""},"categories":[99,102,97,117,100,105,115,116,113,107,103,112],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/48116"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=48116"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/48116\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":48118,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/48116\/revisions\/48118"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/48117"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=48116"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=48116"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=48116"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}