{"id":48016,"date":"2022-10-06T10:21:53","date_gmt":"2022-10-06T10:21:53","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/?p=48016"},"modified":"2022-10-06T10:22:04","modified_gmt":"2022-10-06T10:22:04","slug":"the-pain-list","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/2022\/10\/06\/the-pain-list\/","title":{"rendered":"The Pain List."},"content":{"rendered":"\n

\u2018Sour cream\u2019, the mind says casually.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ah yes, almost forgot about that, cool!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Amazing how it stores all this stuff on an endless invisible shopping & wish list and helps us to remember shit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We don\u2019t even ask for it!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Now let’s think about your bleak future without clients that will make you suffer forever, shall we?\u2019, comes up a bit later.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Oh fuck.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Another reminder.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Another item on the endless list that contains not just groceries, but everything that has to change, all the promises you made to yourself, all your (random) future plans, and whatever can go wrong in a million lifetimes and did go wrong in the past.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s a big fucking list.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And this time it\u2019s about something you don\u2019t really need to hear all the time, mostly because it\u2019s imaginary and it fills you with fear you don\u2019t need to function in a healthy way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The mind doesn\u2019t care.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Reminder is reminder.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sharing items on the list (in no particular, sensible order) is its job.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Blowing thought bubbles is what it does.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because it can.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because it must.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And it will always find a thought that sticks and start the anxiety fire.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It goes on and on and on, just to keep the intimate relationship going, to keep you on your toes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Whether the things it comes up with are helpful and practical and useful, or just plain scary and insulting and unnecessary: the mind simply keeps cranking out stuff from the Invisible List of What\u2019s Missing and Wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018What if you didn\u2019t prepare well enough, huh?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Didn\u2019t we agree on not eating ice cream so much, and what did you just do?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

‘Yes, you wrote five blogs, but where are the likes?’<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Maybe the person on LinkedIn was right when they said you\u2019re an absolute fraud.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018You\u2019re actually very incomplete and you\u2019re also wasting precious time right now, so it\u2019s probably a perfect moment to go and find success and appreciation before you end up under a bridge.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Why DO you think you\u2019re still single? Well?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Sure, you\u2019ve paid your bills for now, but how about next month? And 2026?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Torture, death, FOMO, bankruptcy, dagger through the heart, loneliness, depression, poverty, social anxiety, SHAME!\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It hardly ever stops.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But here\u2019s the thing:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The list is not yours.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There\u2019s no obligation to follow it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It’s not even personal (although believing it will give it that quality).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And it will NOT bring you to a better place, one day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The list is what keeps the rather fragile mind alive in your awareness, what keeps your attention hooked, and what keeps this rather passive-aggressive relationship going.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The list feels like survival (and it’s designed to feel that way).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But it\u2019s not.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You can do without sour cream.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

—<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Photo by @qmikola, for Unsplash)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u2018Sour cream\u2019, the mind says casually. Ah yes, almost forgot about that, cool! Amazing how it stores all this stuff on an endless invisible shopping & wish list and helps us to remember shit. We don\u2019t even ask for it! \u2018Now let’s think about your bleak future without clients that will make you suffer forever, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":48017,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"off","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":""},"categories":[99,102,97,117,100,116,113,107,103,112],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/48016"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=48016"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/48016\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":48018,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/48016\/revisions\/48018"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/48017"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=48016"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=48016"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=48016"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}