{"id":47577,"date":"2022-07-30T10:49:02","date_gmt":"2022-07-30T10:49:02","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/?p=47577"},"modified":"2022-07-30T11:34:00","modified_gmt":"2022-07-30T11:34:00","slug":"the-confusion-of-coaching-and-friendship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/2022\/07\/30\/the-confusion-of-coaching-and-friendship\/","title":{"rendered":"The confusion of coaching and friendship."},"content":{"rendered":"\n

This is an almost unavoidable thing, as a coach, or a therapist.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Since we\u2019re in the human-connection business, there are all kinds of emotions involved, and everybody can start feeling particular things towards the other person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Everybody, so it can happen on both sides.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve seen this play out quite a few times, when clients fell in love with me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Or, to be more accurate: they fell in love with the dedication and interest and patience and fun I brought to the conversation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s not really uncommon to experience this, let\u2019s call it \u2018professional love\u2019, and confuse it with the appreciation you can start to feel for a person outside this kind of formal relationship, where it’s more of a natural and spontaneous happening.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I believe this confusion is officially called \u2018transference\u2019, and it means that you\u2019re seen by the client or patient as the divine helper, the person who knows it all and maybe sees the other human in the equation on a level that they\u2019ve never experienced before.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This almost saint-like appreciation can be very infatuating.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I guess it\u2019s hard to avoid, even if you talk about it before and turn it into some agreement, but with a bit of experience you can become aware of the first signs and keep it fairly light-hearted, and that generally works quite disarming.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The feelings themselves are not harmful, and most certainly not bad or wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Don\u2019t forget that they arise within the blossoming of a unique and powerful connection, and that part is absolutely beautiful and essential.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But we are people, we have preferences and convictions and needs, and for most of us, it\u2019s quite normal to project our stuff, ANY stuff, on others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Besides this specific situation, where the magical sense of \u2018this person finally gets me!\u2019 gets mixed up in the relationship and evokes something that might feel like romantic love, there\u2019s also a more common one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Let\u2019s talk about friendship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s very normal to start entertaining feelings of friendship in a coaching relationship, and I guess that\u2019s just part of the beauty of vulnerability and trust.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This can, however, also lead to complicated and painful situations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sometimes people hire me as a coach to help them find whatever they want to find, and after the coaching agreement is over, they believe we are friends because it felt so good and deep and intimate, and now they can surpass the former agreement and still contact me with problems and challenges.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now they\u2019re actually expecting two contradictory things.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They want me to be their friend (which is an unconditional, secret, loose agreement purely based on love and mutual interests) AND they still want coaching.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For free.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That doesn\u2019t work for me, it doesn’t make sense, so I simply don\u2019t do it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And when they don\u2019t get what they believe they rightfully deserve, they can be very disappointed and even angry.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now, all of a sudden I\u2019m not just a bad and unreliable friend; I\u2019m also a cold and greedy asshole who\u2019s interested in nothing but money.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s like I\u2019ve betrayed them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I DO get the psychological phenomenon behind this urge to be mad with me, and I get how blaming me for their shitty feelings and sense of betrayal is understandable and maybe even useful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Just like being my client and confusing the warm feelings that are evoked by the trust and interest and surrender of the sessions, with those of a pure, unconditional friendship that grew from a non-professional place, is very understandable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And I\u2019m also not saying that it\u2019s impossible that the character of a relationship can dramatically shift and change.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But it\u2019s not something you can demand.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And what makes it extra wobbly to me is claiming that we\u2019re friends, AND still wanting to consult me for my coaching skills and experiences and insights.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Those are just two really conflicting things if you ask me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Besides that, coaching is not the same as helping a friend out in a difficult moment or helping them get over a specific challenge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There\u2019s a different energy behind it, very often a different goal, and in most cases also a different way to deal with it or go about it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In general: the roles are simply different.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It happens regularly that former clients reach out to me after a while, and want advice on something or just a few words of encouragement, and that\u2019s absolutely fine, and I\u2019m almost always happily willing to give it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But you can\u2019t demand the coaching intimacy and skills and effectiveness, while pretending you\u2019re coming in as a friend.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There may well be feelings of friendship, appreciation, and even love, on both sides, but the distinction still has to be respected.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Otherwise, it just doesn\u2019t work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

—<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Photo by @britozour, for Unsplash)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This is an almost unavoidable thing, as a coach, or a therapist. Since we\u2019re in the human-connection business, there are all kinds of emotions involved, and everybody can start feeling particular things towards the other person. Everybody, so it can happen on both sides. I\u2019ve seen this play out quite a few times, when clients […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":47578,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"off","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":""},"categories":[102,97,96,117,100,105,116,113,107,103,112],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/47577"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=47577"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/47577\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":47580,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/47577\/revisions\/47580"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/47578"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=47577"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=47577"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=47577"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}