{"id":46653,"date":"2022-04-30T14:23:21","date_gmt":"2022-04-30T14:23:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/?p=46653"},"modified":"2022-04-30T14:23:25","modified_gmt":"2022-04-30T14:23:25","slug":"captain-of-nothing","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/2022\/04\/30\/captain-of-nothing\/","title":{"rendered":"Captain of nothing."},"content":{"rendered":"\n

I don\u2019t know.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I think about stuff like this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maybe when you are satisfied and at peace with EVERYTHING there is, all the time, you have won the game of life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t know, and I for sure don\u2019t know what that\u2019s like.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But no matter how much there seems to be missing once in a while, for all the confusion I experience and for all the ups and the downs, this life is incredible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In-cre-di-ble.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And probably because of all of that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And all the moments that I \u2018get\u2019 it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

All the moments that I don\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The relief, and the frustration.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The relaxation, contraction, anger, and liberation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Being the best coach in the world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Or thinking that I have truly nothing to offer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What would this all look like, this life in this colorful, vast world, if we understood everything, if there were no longer secrets and mysteries and surprises?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What if we truly were the captains of our lives: would we know what to do with that power?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Would we willingly steer into chaos and discomfort, because it feels so satisfying to get away from?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some days I would like to know what happens next, but most of the time that seems like a really shitty and boring idea.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There WILL be pain, but it will also subside.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There will be moments of triumph and absolute self-aggrandization and powerful arrogance, and I will feel on top of the world, but it will not stay that way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Or maybe it will.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t know.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The more I feel at peace and the more I feel alive, the less I understand it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s okay, most of the time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But sometimes that feels like a huge and very sad loss, because sometimes I\u2019d like to simply believe in something, in the person, a method, or an activity, and be a proud member of a club of believers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t control what interests me, the stuff I am fascinated about literally changes from day to day, and that keeps it incredibly fresh.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

AND weird.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And random.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I’m more naturally mindful than ever before, which makes it less scary to be full of doubts and questions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Am I rambling?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Am I all over the place?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Welcome to my world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

—<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Photo by @mattartz, for Unsplash)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I don\u2019t know. I think about stuff like this. Maybe when you are satisfied and at peace with EVERYTHING there is, all the time, you have won the game of life. I don\u2019t know, and I for sure don\u2019t know what that\u2019s like. But no matter how much there seems to be missing once in […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":46654,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"off","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":""},"categories":[97,117,100,116,113,103,112],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/46653"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=46653"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/46653\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":46655,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/46653\/revisions\/46655"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/46654"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=46653"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=46653"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=46653"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}