{"id":46482,"date":"2022-04-04T15:15:06","date_gmt":"2022-04-04T15:15:06","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/?p=46482"},"modified":"2022-04-04T15:27:09","modified_gmt":"2022-04-04T15:27:09","slug":"remembering-the-miserable-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/2022\/04\/04\/remembering-the-miserable-me\/","title":{"rendered":"Remembering the miserable me."},"content":{"rendered":"\n

If there had been a tunnel from my dark little apartment to the liquor store, I would have taken it, every. Single. Day.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

While out there, being invisible was all I really wanted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Please, please don\u2019t look at me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That memory came to mind when I was walking through Amsterdam this afternoon, and watched a guy cross the street in a hurry, aiming for his front door without looking around.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I saw myself, in a split second, I experienced many painful years of living for the thing that I both hated and couldn\u2019t be without, over and over again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Numbing out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Existing JUST enough to try and wipe out whatever I was thinking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Going from feeling terrified to feeling nothing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In those days, being outside made me feel utterly vulnerable and insecure, and I only felt safe when I was home, preferably on my own.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I was out in the world I never looked up, my face hidden under hats and caps and hoodies and beard, always afraid of running into some kind of social event.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was like I was holding my breath the whole time, from the moment I left my house till I got back, waiting for the sound of my front door closing behind me so I could catch some air again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Amsterdam was a hostile city filled with harsh noise.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The streets were layered with eggshells.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

An imaginary war zone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How could I forget that awful, dark routine?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Where are the years of living like a broken shell (at most), of diving headfirst in a barrel of vodka whenever I could, of smoking weed all night long and not being able to sleep until I had to leave for work, only to collapse with exhaustion?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Did that actually happen?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I hardly ever think back to the times when alcohol and drugs and cynicism were the main attractions in life, and avoiding people seemed to be my most valuable skill.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I just don\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is not a deliberate thing, nor is it fueled by shame or discomfort: it just doesn\u2019t come up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s not part of my days anymore.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s no longer me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This afternoon a guy I don\u2019t know reminded me of a man I had forgotten.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Funny how you get used to miracles.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

—<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Photo by @aliend_photography, for Unsplash)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

If there had been a tunnel from my dark little apartment to the liquor store, I would have taken it, every. Single. Day. While out there, being invisible was all I really wanted. Please, please don\u2019t look at me. That memory came to mind when I was walking through Amsterdam this afternoon, and watched a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":46483,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"off","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":""},"categories":[99,102,97,117,100,116,113,103,112],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/46482"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=46482"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/46482\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":46486,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/46482\/revisions\/46486"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/46483"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=46482"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=46482"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=46482"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}