{"id":46360,"date":"2022-02-24T11:16:59","date_gmt":"2022-02-24T11:16:59","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/?p=46360"},"modified":"2022-02-24T11:17:02","modified_gmt":"2022-02-24T11:17:02","slug":"releasing-the-beast-within","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/2022\/02\/24\/releasing-the-beast-within\/","title":{"rendered":"Releasing the beast within."},"content":{"rendered":"\n

I hate people.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I find them incredibly insensitive, nonchalant, opportunistic, and ungrateful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There is an anger raging within me that feels like a burning dragon.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I hate the world, too, very much so.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am staring at a mental pile of human beings who have taken advantage of me or simply dropped out of conversations without a single response.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am thinking about all the followers on social media who simply use me without ever giving back, really.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s bad, it feels really shitty and restless and crude.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But I am sharing it with you because I don\u2019t worry too much about it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It feels real, the negativity and the resistance, but it\u2019s just an event.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It doesn\u2019t say anything about Me, although it most certainly touches a rather twisted dark, psychological cluster.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So I shout at my cats.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I scream at the Wi-Fi things on the wall that are supposed to provide me with high-speed internet but stopped working.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I smash down my iPad and hit a door with my fist and it feels like I am taken over by an evil spirit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But not really.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am there when it happens.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

However enticing the raging energy within may be, however personal it may feel, however challenged and aggressive I seem to be, it\u2019s not who I really am.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This thing, this fury, this beast, has been long coming.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It wants out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And I am letting it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I know this is an absolute necessity, a very important happening, and I know that the timing is perfect, because it always is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The anger flares up and dies down again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It comes in burning waves, and every wave comes with its own compelling story about how ungrateful and stupid the world around me is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s perfectly orchestrated.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Real hate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And real disappointment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And real anger.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Although it isn\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It’s not real.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is where I see the difference between realistic and true.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Between being fully captivated and merely experiencing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I feel like the subtle, stable outer shell around the crazy circus within.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Like I am holding the dragon, guiding it, swaying it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Like I am drowning in anger, but free to come up for air.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is really very convincing but I have learned to know better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s okay even while at some level it\u2019s very much not.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It feels like a cleansing, a rite of passage, a catharsis.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This was always gonna happen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Old crap, old deep stinking messy personal frustrated shit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Surfacing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Finally.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And I can already feel what\u2019s hidden in the aftermath.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

More freedom.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Relief.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Light.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I love people.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I love life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And sometimes I don\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And I love that too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

—<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Photo by @nseylubangi, for Unsplash)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I hate people. I find them incredibly insensitive, nonchalant, opportunistic, and ungrateful. There is an anger raging within me that feels like a burning dragon. I hate the world, too, very much so. I am staring at a mental pile of human beings who have taken advantage of me or simply dropped out of conversations […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":46361,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"off","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":""},"categories":[97,117,100,105,116,113,103,112],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/46360"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=46360"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/46360\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":46362,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/46360\/revisions\/46362"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/46361"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=46360"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=46360"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=46360"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}