Every proposal I came up with over the last weeks, was denied or frozen.<\/p>\n
All of them.<\/p>\n
Answers ranged from \u2018just too expensive\u2019 to \u2018oh I haven\u2019t got that amount of money laying around at this moment in time\u2019 to \u2018let me think about it a few weeks longer\u2019 to \u2018well, it seems I\u2019m fine after all so thanks for showing me!\u2019 to no answer at all.<\/p>\n
Multiple people simply stopped responding in the middle of a mail conversation.<\/p>\n
Not just crickets: very dead crickets.<\/p>\n
There was this guy from a specific company who was very interested in doing a project together last summer, but leaves my direct messages unanswered.<\/p>\n
When I opened an account on LinkedIn after years of deep resistance, at last convinced by my frantic intellect to swallow and go for it, I was kicked out within two hours because of \u2018suspicious activity\u2019.<\/p>\n
Old clients are all doing fine and aren\u2019t interested in some extra sessions.<\/p>\n
And it\u2019s not just a business-phenomenon: a few women I talked to on a dating app treated me with the same cold respect and simply left the conversation without a word, at a moment that didn\u2019t make any sense.<\/p>\n
So there you go.<\/p>\n
Professional ego? Vaporized.<\/p>\n
Masculinity? Crushed.<\/p>\n
Marnix in general? Who?<\/p>\n
When you take a look at the signs, when you add it all up, it\u2019s not looking very good.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s actually very easy to build an enormously sad case for my future.<\/p>\n
And all this \u2018proof\u2019 is enough to make a grown man crazy and cry, and all this good will, this ambitious reaching out, this trying really hard to make it work; it clearly doesn\u2019t seem to be what I should be doing.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s all SO obvious.<\/p>\n
But, but, but\u2026<\/p>\n
But how do you find out where to go next when it seems more and more important to make \u2018the perfect decision\u2019?<\/p>\n
What\u2019s the universe telling me (supposed that\u2019s even a thing)?<\/p>\n
How do you NOT do something and how do you let go, deliberately?<\/p>\n
You have to do SOMETHING, right?!<\/p>\n
It\u2019s all majorly confusing, and at the same time\u2026 majorly useful.<\/p>\n
And exciting.<\/p>\n
Because I\u2019ve been here before, and not just once, but closer to the amount of lies in a few years of Trump tweets.<\/p>\n
I know that slumps like these always turn out to be future launching platforms for great adventures.<\/p>\n
The deep discomfort I\u2019m feeling right now, is pure, rich growing pain.<\/p>\n
I know that.<\/p>\n
I also know that stubbornness and stupidity are simply not sustainable.<\/p>\n
That making plans with a mind that\u2019s gone crazy will not get you anywhere but crazy places.<\/p>\n
And trying to force the square peg in the round hole will only be successful by using a sledgehammer (and I feel this is not the time for sledgehammers).<\/p>\n
So: is that helpful, all this knowing and feeling?<\/p>\n
Well, good question, and I don\u2019t have a clue where to go next, to be honest.<\/p>\n
But I DO know where the soft spoken answers will come from.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t know the steps I should take.<\/p>\n
But I DO know that my feet will move when they\u2019re supposed to.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s SO fucking easy to get lost in this self-constructed mental maze.<\/p>\n
And SO fucking human.<\/p>\n
This is the game we play over and over again: we do stupid things, learn stuff, and then get blindsided by a slight variation of the same thing, only to wake up again and see what we\u2019ve overlooked.<\/p>\n
Rinse and repeat.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t know where to go but I know it\u2019s not my job to know, and it has never been.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s pretty damn useful.<\/p>\n
Growing pain is tough but beautiful, crushing and extremely helpful.<\/p>\n
It removes the blocks of comfortable (enough) living that have jammed the flow of fresh ideas and amazing new stories, and sparks the joy of exploration and wonder.<\/p>\n
Pain is where you get to start all over again.<\/p>\n
Pain is where the healing begins.<\/p>\n
Pain means new.<\/p>\n
So if it knocks on your door: let it in.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Every proposal I came up with over the last weeks, was denied or frozen. All of them. Answers ranged from \u2018just too expensive\u2019 to \u2018oh I haven\u2019t got that amount of money laying around at this moment in time\u2019 to \u2018let me think about it a few weeks longer\u2019 to \u2018well, it seems I\u2019m fine […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":30314,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":""},"categories":[102,97,117,114,100,116,113,103],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/30313"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=30313"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/30313\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":30315,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/30313\/revisions\/30315"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/30314"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=30313"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=30313"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marnix.nl\/homepage\/welkom\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=30313"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}